Category: Uncategorized

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Silence

There is a lot of silence after quitting 15 years of work.

Good silence.

The kind of silence that gets in your head and makes you see the truth so plainly, that it is like a slap to the face, or a left hook.

That kind of reality check, that kind of clarity takes a lot of the fear away. It allows you to move past the past and into a brand new future.

Forced isolation, thanks to Covid-19 and lots of jobless time have made me see exactly what those 15 years were.

Nothing more than a puff of smoke, if even that.

Eckhart Tolle said our lives are like a dash on our tombstone. The only notable points are the date of birth, and the date of death. All that happened in between is summed up with a dash.

So to with my 15 years. June 2005 – June 2020. Ha! Ha!

This all sounds a bit depressing, but actually it is quite freeing. There is no longer any weight or meaning to those 15 years. There is nothing holding me anymore. I am untethered.

Some things try to pull me back, but I no longer have those heavy feelings of responsibility. It was a false responsibility to begin with. I was a fiercely loyal and caring employee, to a fault. This was never valued or appreciated, and that is okay. No regrets.

In truth, I believe that if I had of been the real me, then I would have been valued and appreciated. I wish I could have been more of a free spirit then.

I can now.

I am now.

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No Plan, Much Guilt

There is never a perfect time, but, arguably, some times are better than others to quit your job.

Like a few other departures in my life, (ahem) this lacked a plan. It was something I might do someday, way off in the future. You know, when things are perfect for leaving. Never mind how much suffering is going on in the meantime. Life fortunately, did had a plan. So, suddenly, here I am, happily, yet fearfully, unemployed.

If you are lucky, and paying attention, you can make a plan to leave your work, your lover, spouse, parents, whatever, but I suspect a lot of the time it just happens. The moment suddenly appears. A window of opportunity opens up and you duck out. Or you reach a limit, a line gets crossed and you’re outta here!

Only much later you may realize how much you wanted out. Unconsciously, we have had enough.

I just reread the story The Book of Eve (Constance Beresford-Howe), where the woman leaves her husband, no plan, no nothing, one day she hurriedly packs a few things and just walks out. She learns to live and love again. It was interesting how this not only benefited her, but many other people too. There are many great messages here.

So even when it looks like a big mistake, it isn’t. If your heart is in it, then you’ve done the right thing. Everything logical may tell you that you are a fucking idiot, but your heart just sits back, sips a margarita and chills. It’ll all work out. God will use whatever road you are on.

I feel immense guilt for writing about my decision to quit at this time, because many people had no choice, it was swift and without mercy, and now all their money is gone and they are facing enormous hardship.

I am very fortunate to have been able to make a choice and I realize that. So many others have been left destitute because of Covid-19. So I do know that although this pandemic forced me to make the change I longed to make I am extremely lucky.

At least, until my savings run out too. And, they will.

I may develop a taste for cat food.

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You Are Here

Remember the good old days when we went to shopping malls?

There would be, somewhere in the facility, after a lengthy search of going in circles until exhausted with no place to sit, a directory, and it would say “You are Here.”

You’d look at that map and wonder where the fuck you are. It would then take a half hour of titling your head from side to side, to practically doing a headstand to figure out where here is. Once you did establish it, you’d spend another half hour trying to find the store you want, then orientating yourself as to, do you go right, left, up, down, back where you came from? Or worse, discovering the store is no longer. Get us to the food court please, surely to God there will be some much needed bathrooms there!

Airport directories are way worse.

Welcome to the abyss. This is where I am now. At that infamous directory saying “You are Here”. Only in the abyss, there is just sky, clouds, the odd bird. I don’t want to look down. It might give me an idea of how far up I am, and, hmm, is that ground getting closer?

I am referring of course to my recent decision to quit a 15 year soul sucking job.

It was a huge leap into the abyss, especially during a pandemic, into a future unknown. However, I will tell you this, it is way better to have a future unknown than the future known. The future that repeats the past, day in and day out of misery and predictable boredom.

So even if the ground is fast approaching, maybe I’ll figure out where here is and where I can go before the final splat.

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Good Timing

When would be the worst possible time to quit your job.

Let’s see:

When there is a global pandemic.

When the world is facing a global economic depression never seen before.

When tens of millions of people are unemployed.

When you are a senior.

When you are in debt.

Hmmm.

Okay.

I quit.

Yep, I quit my job.

And I did exactly the right thing.

I suspect a lot of other people have too.

I have had to face my reality head on while at home. I’ve been forced to reassess my life. Away from the office I was outside of my situation and problems, enabling me to see with a new perspective and a fresh outlook. When you are in the problem, you cannot see clearly.

And at the worst possible moment in all of history, I make a life changing decision. To make my life, my own.

Here we go!

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Just Do It.

Covid is not a political hoax.

It is a disease. A highly infectious disease.

It only knows how to infect, disable and kill.

It is blindly objective.

So for God’s sake wear a mask when you go out.

Do it for love, of yourself, others and all of the world.

Get a new understanding. It doesn’t care anything about you, your beliefs, your country, your history. This is a global pandemic. GLOBAL. Think about it.

We can debate and discuss and accuse and whatever later. None of that matters now.

What matters is what you do. Are you going to be part of the problem? Or part of the solution?

Do your part. Social distancing. Wear a mask. Wash your hands.

Simple.

It won’t be forever. Just a short while out of your whole entire life. Months out of decades. And you want your whole entire life to be many more years, do you not?

There are no guarantees that you will be safe, but we can greatly reduce our chances of getting and spreading this disease if we follow protocol. We can put the odds in our favour of staying healthy. Just do it.

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Whine, Whine, Whine

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.

I am SO sick of trump whining, whining, whining. Poor little baby. Mistreated by the press (he gets what he deserves), misunderstood, whining about hoaxes, conspiracy theories. Everybody out to get him. No one gives him the respect and credit he deserves. The boy fucking genius who thinks shooting up lysol can cure a disease. Someone stick a soother in his mouth to shut him up. Oh, he is so hard done by. Poor, poor little baby. Time to change your diapers little baby.

Tweeting racism and hatred and misogyny. Insulting and bashing and belittling good people. Revering criminals and dictators. Crying, crying, crying all the fucking time. That is all he does is cry and whine. Oh, and in between plays a round of golf.

Worries about his ratings while thousands of people die. Points the finger at anyone and everyone that they are all to blame for his messes.

Won’t take any responsibility for being the leader.

He is just like a very bad boss. This is not your company, idiot. This is your country. The Government is not a corporation. Each state is not a franchise that you can close down because someone hurt your feelings. Oh boo hoo. No PPE for you!

He is a toddler that has tantrums because he doesn’t get his way.

What a whimp.

It is Mother’s day. Momma come and get this spoiled brat. We need a leader!

Is there a MAN in the house? Better yet, we need a WOMAN.

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I Want to Throw Up

After reading yet one more account of crimes committed by yet another Republican on Trumps team, I have come to the conclusion that they support Trump not because they care so much for him, as it is to hide their own sins. In fact, Trump has given them riotous license to do as they please, above and beyond all laws, morals and plain old common human decency.

I am stunned by the level of corruption and disregard for the law in the United States political realm today. It is all lies, lies, lies and even when they are exposed, absolutely nothing happens. Nothing!!

Everything from DUI’s to money laundering to tax fraud to racism to crimes I have never even imagined in my entire life are committed by this brood of vipers. Stuff that you or I as common people would never even dream of doing, and if we did, we would spend lifetimes in jail – there would be no pardons for us!

I can’t stomach any more of this. I have reached the breaking point.

Is this what it means to be rich and powerful? To be vulgar rapists? To leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of money? Anything goes? It is terrifying. It is disgusting, vile and it makes me want to throw up.

Please make this nightmare stop and restore our sense of balance. The world is topsy turvy. Babylon is falling. All the demons are out of the box. Is there not even a shred of humanity left? Not in politics. Not in our leaders. How can people support this evil? WHY? I don’t understand any of it.

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The Spirit of Christmas

Some people really lack all understanding of what Christmas means, and the spirit can’t even get close to them. Instead they gripe and complain about things I would consider awesome, like fancy meals, decorations, having friends and family visit, and most of all, presents.

I am shocked when I hear parents denying their children presents for their own selfish adult reasons. Reasons which translated to a child mean they are being punished for something. Children live in a world of reward and punishment on which their very survival depends. They always have to try to figure out which is what in order to be cared for. They don’t understand your adult shit .

Christmas is supposed to be a celebration, giving and receiving and eating way too much. It is to be a time of laughter and fun. What the fuck happened to that? Oh yeah, stupid adults.

Stupid adults on their own stupid agendas at a time of year when all agendas need to be cancelled, voided, nulled and thrown out! Oh we gave to the poor, or worse, make their children give up presents of their own for total strangers. Stop it!

I am not saying do not give to the poor – I am saying do both, stupid!

Show your children how they can do both too without punishing them. They will see your generosity, your Christmas spirit (hopefully all year long) and when they are adults themselves and understand that kind of shit, will follow suit. Show them by your actions, and don’t make them sacrifice their joy, their presents, what kind of shits are you? Miserable sots that you are, shame, double shame on you for being such miserable sots.

I am not saying you need to indulge every childish whim and desire, but for goodness sake, get them things that will make them squeal with delight. Things you have to wrap up and put under the tree – if you even can bring yourself to have a tree. Make Christmas happen people – for your children at least. Maybe even you might find some delight in it.

Also, the worst Christmas thing I ever witnessed was when my Mother and I went out for a fancy Christmas dinner at a restaurant, and next to us was a man and his young daughter. She was maybe 4 or 5 and was holding her toy bunny and listening to this asshole father explain to her that Mom and Dad were no longer going to be together and she would have to now visit them separately. Kept asking her if she understood this. Of course not you moron. She’s a little girl with her toy rabbit! And it’s fucking Christmas dick! Shame on you! Adults are miserable, selfish sots!

I am so glad I had the parents I did, and had Christmas that was full of presents, joy, and laughter without conditions and things I would never have understood in a million years. Thank God that although things were not perfect, my parents made the effort to make our lives worth living and never ever made us try to live in an adult world before our time. They let us be kids.

Amen to that!

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Just Because Again

At this time of year I usually recommend that you buy yourself something, a just because gift.

I got my just because gifts this week, to cover my birthday and Christmas as they come so close together.

Now before you run off and call me selfish, it is first of all, okay to be a bit selfish once in a while – hence the ‘just because’ gift. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else and forget that we are worthy of rewarding ourselves. The gift should be something you really want – not something you need necessarily, but something very interesting, unusual and you. It does not have to be practical. It can be silly. It can be anything that your heart truly longs for.

This gift you do not justify to anyone else; no need to explain why you got it, or how much money it cost, or offer all kinds of excuses for getting it or anything else to make yourself look small. Get the gift. Don’t tell anyone. It is yours.

It took me a long while to realize how important this is. It does not mean I don’t give to others, that somehow someone else I love is deprived. Good grief. But if I continually deprive myself of good things, things that make my heart sing, if only for a short while, I am giving myself a very clear message that I am not worthy, that I am less than others. Bah, humbug.

Too many years of this already.

Your gift can be anything that means something to you. An experience. A course. A seminar. A retreat. Vacation. Jewellery. Clothing. Dust collector. Book. Something you’ve wanted for ages ‘just because’ you like it, you want it.

Of course, don’t be silly and rush out and buy a Corvette unless you can afford it! But if a Corvette is what you want – then give yourself the gift of permission to have it, and then make plans to save, work, enter contests, whatever (nothing illegal here please) to get it.

I am a very frugal person, so it used to be very hard to buy anything new for myself without trying to find it already used or on sale, or to substitute a lesser value/quality item and tell myself it is good enough. Especially something I don’t need. Don’t you do that! The first time I bought something new, of high quality, at full price, I felt faint! It felt sneaky, but exhilarating. But, boy, did that change my outlook, and my confidence. So now I do the just because every year. It shows me I love myself. That I can do things. I can be someone. Someone worthy.

Let me tell you, owning nice things does a lot for your soul. Even getting one small item that is your hearts desire is worth it. Even if it is something you just look at once in a while. No it is not crazy.

If it doesn’t do the same for you, make you feel awesome, you are doing it wrong. Treat yourself like you would treat someone you are madly in love with and long to please and make happy, just to see them light up with joy and jump up and down and cry a little. Make yourself the giver and the recipient and see what happens.

If you want to get married but are alone, propose to yourself, get yourself a ring, marry yourself! (It has already been done by the way). If you love roses but think buying a dozen is an extravagant waste – buy yourself a dozen long stem beauties and enclose a sexy, make your heart sing love card. And put those lovelies in a big, bold, beautiful vase. Send yourself a Christmas card! You have to love and honour yourself – put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help others. When you cherish yourself, watch what happens to your life.

You are worth it.

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Asleep But Still Functioning

I know that what I am about to write about is rather obvious to most of you, but for me it is novel. I equate it to having been unconscious and still functioning, walking around asleep but managing, and not being much aware of it.

Let me explain. For 2+ years I have been ill. I developed a condition that decreased my physical mobility to that of those lumbering ancient tortoises you see on the Galapagos Islands. While acutely aware of my new physical limitations, I was unaware of how much this was affecting my mental abilities. Not just my mood, but my perception and ability to do things, especially the mundane, so called easy tasks.

I noticed this as I folded my laundry this morning. For the first time in what seems forever, doing laundry seemed to go much faster and all my towels etc. were neatly folded. I marveled at the straight uniform folded pile of towels and how easy that went. A simple task that I struggled with, not just because my limbs were tired and hurting, but I was not able mentally to fold anything straight.

Perhaps this sounds ridiculous, I guess it does. As time goes by and I get better (thanks to big pharma), I am noticing how much trouble I had with mundane tasks for the past two years. Of course I was aware of how much trouble the big things were, like getting on and off a bus, sitting on low seats (ahem, toilets) and then trying to get back up, carrying groceries, even pouring a cup of tea! Physical things were exhausting and difficult to execute, even just standing for a short period of time was depleting. And managing a cane while trying to do all this was enlightening. All this gave me a new outlook and empathy for others similarly struggling.

But what I missed seeing was the mental struggle. Being depressed and moody was understandable. But losing some mental ability was startling. I was not thinking straight. My perception of the world was skewed. It was not a huge difference, perhaps not even noticed by others (or they were polite!), but now I am thinking like I used to, before this condition, without ever realizing I had stopped thinking like I used to. Very strange.

As I said before, we are very much chemical beings. The chemistry of our bodies and minds quite often determine our behaviour, thoughts and actions, and we are unaware.

I liken my experience to being sleep deprived. You think you are okay, but you are not. You do not realize how out of it you are until either someone points it out, or you discover it yourself as a blatant mistake you made in judgement and reasoning or in performing a task, much after the fact.

At any rate, I am back to being my very happy old self! I certainly missed her!