Category: Uncategorized

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Small Things

In my working, pre-covid days, each morning I would encounter the same people and have a brief chat before I caught the bus. A man waiting in the lobby for his ParaTranspo pick up, the man walking his big dog, the pony tailed young woman returning from her run, the retired bus driver out for his morning walk, the woman playing fetch with her corgi.

All these encounters and more, that I took for granted were a pleasant start to my day. If I didn’t see one of them, I would wonder about their welfare and ask the next time I saw them. Likewise they often enquired about me.

After several months away from this, I do miss it. I don’t go out very much, due to bad legs, a condition and age that ups my covid risk, and of course, I am now unemployed.

How greatly, in small ways, our lives can change in an instant.

Even when they told us to close our office in March, we never foresaw this. We thought, oh, a couple of weeks and all will return to normal. We had no idea.

It isn’t just the big things that changed, like quitting my job of 15 years, but all the little things, like my daily routines and encounters that I didn’t pay much attention to.

I don’t long for the past by any means. I am still processing the shock of huge changes, adjusting to a new way of life I was not prepared for.

In a strange way however, not being ready has made this a grand adventure, where I have no idea of what the future holds. In the past, whenever I have made big changes I spent a long time planning and working them out. I am not a risk taker. This time, I had no plans, only vague ideas of what I might do with lots of time. And I certainly did not envision the changes in the daily small things.

Making this a grand adventure, from my own self inflicted house arrest keeps me from freaking out.

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Things Are Not What They Seem

A bad scenario would be quitting your job without any idea of what to do next. But just as bad is knowing exactly what you want to do, and then weeks into it realize, nah, that’s not it.

I was doing what I loved while working, but in such small hard won amounts that I thought it would be fabulous to have all day to do whatever I enjoy. And I have many interests.

I had several dreams on the shelf. For decades I longed to make them real. At last, shake off the dust and let’s get rolling!

Well, that lasted a short while.

It’s not that I stopped wanting or enjoying what I do.

It’s. Just. Not. Quite. It.

This feels as frustrating as having a sink full of dirty dishes. You know you got to tackle it, but lack the energy.

Not that EVER, in a million, zillion, kabillion years would I ever go back to the job I left. I am so happy to be out of there!

I guess I waited too long to do my dreams and they changed and I didn’t notice. Maybe there is a better version of my dreams waiting to be realized and I just need to stay open to it.

Things are not what they seem.

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Pay Your Employees

Once again, the uber rich 1% look for new and clever ways to rip off their employees. The very same employees who work hard to keep these bastards rich.

So they announce that employees who work remotely should be compensated according to where they work. The more expensive the area the more pay (which I severely doubt would ever happen anyways).

Where a person works has got NOTHING to do with what you pay.

You pay a person for the work they do. If a job is worth $50 an hour, you pay them $50 an hour, whether they live on the Arctic circle or downtown San Francisco.

I have seen this argued before based on a persons age, race, gender.

NO.

You pay a person what the job is worth.

And if you have a very valuable employee, you pay them MORE.

You cheap bastards.

No one ever paid me more because my rent was high! HA! HA!

But I have been paid less because I am single. I have been paid less because I am a woman.

I get paid nothing now, because I am a senior.

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Silence

There is a lot of silence after quitting 15 years of work.

Good silence.

The kind of silence that gets in your head and makes you see the truth so plainly, that it is like a slap to the face, or a left hook.

That kind of reality check, that kind of clarity takes a lot of the fear away. It allows you to move past the past and into a brand new future.

Forced isolation, thanks to Covid-19 and lots of jobless time have made me see exactly what those 15 years were.

Nothing more than a puff of smoke, if even that.

Eckhart Tolle said our lives are like a dash on our tombstone. The only notable points are the date of birth, and the date of death. All that happened in between is summed up with a dash.

So to with my 15 years. June 2005 – June 2020. Ha! Ha!

This all sounds a bit depressing, but actually it is quite freeing. There is no longer any weight or meaning to those 15 years. There is nothing holding me anymore. I am untethered.

Some things try to pull me back, but I no longer have those heavy feelings of responsibility. It was a false responsibility to begin with. I was a fiercely loyal and caring employee, to a fault. This was never valued or appreciated, and that is okay. No regrets.

In truth, I believe that if I had of been the real me, then I would have been valued and appreciated. I wish I could have been more of a free spirit then.

I can now.

I am now.

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No Plan, Much Guilt

There is never a perfect time, but, arguably, some times are better than others to quit your job.

Like a few other departures in my life, (ahem) this lacked a plan. It was something I might do someday, way off in the future. You know, when things are perfect for leaving. Never mind how much suffering is going on in the meantime. Life fortunately, did had a plan. So, suddenly, here I am, happily, yet fearfully, unemployed.

If you are lucky, and paying attention, you can make a plan to leave your work, your lover, spouse, parents, whatever, but I suspect a lot of the time it just happens. The moment suddenly appears. A window of opportunity opens up and you duck out. Or you reach a limit, a line gets crossed and you’re outta here!

Only much later you may realize how much you wanted out. Unconsciously, we have had enough.

I just reread the story The Book of Eve (Constance Beresford-Howe), where the woman leaves her husband, no plan, no nothing, one day she hurriedly packs a few things and just walks out. She learns to live and love again. It was interesting how this not only benefited her, but many other people too. There are many great messages here.

So even when it looks like a big mistake, it isn’t. If your heart is in it, then you’ve done the right thing. Everything logical may tell you that you are a fucking idiot, but your heart just sits back, sips a margarita and chills. It’ll all work out. God will use whatever road you are on.

I feel immense guilt for writing about my decision to quit at this time, because many people had no choice, it was swift and without mercy, and now all their money is gone and they are facing enormous hardship.

I am very fortunate to have been able to make a choice and I realize that. So many others have been left destitute because of Covid-19. So I do know that although this pandemic forced me to make the change I longed to make I am extremely lucky.

At least, until my savings run out too. And, they will.

I may develop a taste for cat food.

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You Are Here

Remember the good old days when we went to shopping malls?

There would be, somewhere in the facility, after a lengthy search of going in circles until exhausted with no place to sit, a directory, and it would say “You are Here.”

You’d look at that map and wonder where the fuck you are. It would then take a half hour of titling your head from side to side, to practically doing a headstand to figure out where here is. Once you did establish it, you’d spend another half hour trying to find the store you want, then orientating yourself as to, do you go right, left, up, down, back where you came from? Or worse, discovering the store is no longer. Get us to the food court please, surely to God there will be some much needed bathrooms there!

Airport directories are way worse.

Welcome to the abyss. This is where I am now. At that infamous directory saying “You are Here”. Only in the abyss, there is just sky, clouds, the odd bird. I don’t want to look down. It might give me an idea of how far up I am, and, hmm, is that ground getting closer?

I am referring of course to my recent decision to quit a 15 year soul sucking job.

It was a huge leap into the abyss, especially during a pandemic, into a future unknown. However, I will tell you this, it is way better to have a future unknown than the future known. The future that repeats the past, day in and day out of misery and predictable boredom.

So even if the ground is fast approaching, maybe I’ll figure out where here is and where I can go before the final splat.

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Good Timing

When would be the worst possible time to quit your job.

Let’s see:

When there is a global pandemic.

When the world is facing a global economic depression never seen before.

When tens of millions of people are unemployed.

When you are a senior.

When you are in debt.

Hmmm.

Okay.

I quit.

Yep, I quit my job.

And I did exactly the right thing.

I suspect a lot of other people have too.

I have had to face my reality head on while at home. I’ve been forced to reassess my life. Away from the office I was outside of my situation and problems, enabling me to see with a new perspective and a fresh outlook. When you are in the problem, you cannot see clearly.

And at the worst possible moment in all of history, I make a life changing decision. To make my life, my own.

Here we go!

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Just Do It.

Covid is not a political hoax.

It is a disease. A highly infectious disease.

It only knows how to infect, disable and kill.

It is blindly objective.

So for God’s sake wear a mask when you go out.

Do it for love, of yourself, others and all of the world.

Get a new understanding. It doesn’t care anything about you, your beliefs, your country, your history. This is a global pandemic. GLOBAL. Think about it.

We can debate and discuss and accuse and whatever later. None of that matters now.

What matters is what you do. Are you going to be part of the problem? Or part of the solution?

Do your part. Social distancing. Wear a mask. Wash your hands.

Simple.

It won’t be forever. Just a short while out of your whole entire life. Months out of decades. And you want your whole entire life to be many more years, do you not?

There are no guarantees that you will be safe, but we can greatly reduce our chances of getting and spreading this disease if we follow protocol. We can put the odds in our favour of staying healthy. Just do it.

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Whine, Whine, Whine

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.

I am SO sick of trump whining, whining, whining. Poor little baby. Mistreated by the press (he gets what he deserves), misunderstood, whining about hoaxes, conspiracy theories. Everybody out to get him. No one gives him the respect and credit he deserves. The boy fucking genius who thinks shooting up lysol can cure a disease. Someone stick a soother in his mouth to shut him up. Oh, he is so hard done by. Poor, poor little baby. Time to change your diapers little baby.

Tweeting racism and hatred and misogyny. Insulting and bashing and belittling good people. Revering criminals and dictators. Crying, crying, crying all the fucking time. That is all he does is cry and whine. Oh, and in between plays a round of golf.

Worries about his ratings while thousands of people die. Points the finger at anyone and everyone that they are all to blame for his messes.

Won’t take any responsibility for being the leader.

He is just like a very bad boss. This is not your company, idiot. This is your country. The Government is not a corporation. Each state is not a franchise that you can close down because someone hurt your feelings. Oh boo hoo. No PPE for you!

He is a toddler that has tantrums because he doesn’t get his way.

What a whimp.

It is Mother’s day. Momma come and get this spoiled brat. We need a leader!

Is there a MAN in the house? Better yet, we need a WOMAN.

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I Want to Throw Up

After reading yet one more account of crimes committed by yet another Republican on Trumps team, I have come to the conclusion that they support Trump not because they care so much for him, as it is to hide their own sins. In fact, Trump has given them riotous license to do as they please, above and beyond all laws, morals and plain old common human decency.

I am stunned by the level of corruption and disregard for the law in the United States political realm today. It is all lies, lies, lies and even when they are exposed, absolutely nothing happens. Nothing!!

Everything from DUI’s to money laundering to tax fraud to racism to crimes I have never even imagined in my entire life are committed by this brood of vipers. Stuff that you or I as common people would never even dream of doing, and if we did, we would spend lifetimes in jail – there would be no pardons for us!

I can’t stomach any more of this. I have reached the breaking point.

Is this what it means to be rich and powerful? To be vulgar rapists? To leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of money? Anything goes? It is terrifying. It is disgusting, vile and it makes me want to throw up.

Please make this nightmare stop and restore our sense of balance. The world is topsy turvy. Babylon is falling. All the demons are out of the box. Is there not even a shred of humanity left? Not in politics. Not in our leaders. How can people support this evil? WHY? I don’t understand any of it.