Author: samandoat

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Joy Unexpected

I had a text to send before catching the bus, so I sat down in the shelter and sent it.  As I put my phone away, there at my feet was a large cicada.  I don’t know how I missed stepping on him!  I scooped him up on my bus pass and carried him to the safety of some bushes, pausing long enough to admire his gossamer wings and green and black mottled body.  Of course I told him how beautiful he is and to thank him.  Thank him for a moment of joy.

Nature has a way of giving me joy when I least expect it.  A chickadee alights next to me while eating lunch.  A dragonfly flits by.  A brightly coloured leaf floats down at my feet.  I come across an old apple tree heavy with fruit.  I glance out the window and see a red sun sink into the horizon.  All these momentary things add up to daily joy.

It saddened my heart to hear someone say nature is icky.  Yes, it can be.  But don’t let that rule your heart.  It is also unspeakably beautiful, extraordinary, amazing.  You choose how you see life, negative or positive.  Guess which one brings joy?  The more you appreciate beauty, the more you will notice and experience.

It is okay to be a Pollyana.  Don’t let naysayers tell you that being negative is being realistic.  The two points of view are realism.  Negativity just seems more real because it evokes a strong emotional reaction, a survival response.  Joy will bring you peace, and the more you focus on finding joy, the more peace you will have, and then you will have peace when you are in a crisis.  Joy makes you strong.

Choose joy.  Be grateful.  Keep those things in your heart.

Next week I am going to write about some more truths about negativity.  Negativity is ugly.

Some photographs to bring you joy at Amazon.com

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Joy Expected

My cat Sam can play the same game for hours and repeat this every day and find the same joy each time.   Sure, he is excited for the odd treat or a new toy, but everlasting happiness comes from what he likes best and does the most.

The continual happy feeling I have during the day is a result of morning routines I perform.  These give me a joy that lasts all day.  These routines are things I love to do, that contribute to my well being. They are not the things I must do, or things I deplore.  I make sure I do what I love first.  I treat myself very well before I go to work.

Something unexpected can bring a surge of joy most of us crave, but it is fleeting.  Everlasting joy comes from a daily structure that ensures you put yourself first before you must sacrifice yourself for others.

That is why getting up very early is so beneficial.  It gives you a block of time to do your joy and does not take away anything from others.  While everyone else is asleep you are doing something special, just for you.  What a big difference this will make to your entire life.

It affords you to get your dreams.  A half hour every morning will finish your novel, complete that university degree, get you back in shape.  All before all your have too’s for the rest of the day.  All before anyone else is awake!

There are three rules to this.  This half hour must be your hearts desire, something you truly want.  It must not disturb anyone else – like playing the tuba at 4 a.m. – um, that doesn’t work (but you can practice the finger keys or learn how to read music).  And, it can’t be negative.  If what you desire is to destroy or to hurt anyone or anything then forget it.  Stay in bed.

What we forget in our busy working lives is to take care of ourselves.  If we are constantly looking after others and other things, eventually we have nothing left to give.

Give yourself to something that is just for you, at least one half hour, first thing in the morning and watch the transformation that happens to the rest of your day.

And buy yourself some roses.

Book available from Amazon.com
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What Are Vacations For?

From your employers point of view they have to pay you money to not work so they don’t find much value in vacations.  The only exception being that you come back refreshed so you can work harder.

However, if you look at this picture, this is pretty much what will happen to you if you don’t take a vacation.

You’ll seize up.

Okay – I seized up about 5 weeks before my vacation.  Poor planning on my behalf.

So now I use my vacation to get better.

Now I know what vacations are really for.  Healing.

Most vacations it takes about 2 weeks for me to totally de-stress, and then I can try to remember who I really am and what I truly enjoy doing and then go do it.  Fortunately, as I am older, I have insisted on 4 weeks vacation, so I have 2 weeks, usually, to enjoy myself.  Maybe not so much this year.

I had not anticipated a holiday in which I am trying to get well enough to go back to work – but I suspect that this is exactly what most people do in one way or another.

Since I am now the Tin Lady, not unlike the Tin Man who made the mistake of being out in the rain, I’m a wee bit stiff, and a hell of a lot slower.

My physiotherapist can appreciate this picture.

As my friend said, he can do the hundred yard dash in 3 days.

Which is probably a day less than me.

I am getting better, but I also may have a new reality.

My vacation has a new meaning – but I must admit, a better meaning.  I have learned so much from being disabled, way more than when I was an able bodied, and active person.  Valuable lessons I could not have gotten any other way.  I discovered also there are some very genuine caring people in this world who have given their time to help me, despite my pride and stubborn self!  And some have inspired me in new ways.

I have learned the true definition of resilience, and it is not what you think.  Courage is not being Wonder Woman 24/7.  It means you get out and do what you have to do while your brain is whining all the time, you’re totally despairing, you’ve lost all hope,  ready to curl up and die, you’re having pity parties, screaming in pain or yelling at your spouse or any other hapless creature in your way.  You grumble, you plod and you are miserable but you keep pressing forward.  You put yourself on auto pilot and never stop.

I am grateful for the experience and the education, but next time, I think an exotic locale with 5 star hotels might be a better choice!  My lessons will go with me even there, and enrich all my future adventures.

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Performance Appraisals

There is a reason employees hate performance appraisals.  It is not a time to shine, it is a time when authority figures can judge, condemn, shame and guilt, with the odd compliment thrown in to make it all seem okay.  Worst of all, tiny seeds of doubt get planted in a persons mind which can jade their entire future.

In a world so intensely focused on the negative, it is far too easy to slash the hearts of good people and deeply wound them with unfounded criticism.

Criticism is unfounded because we all have strengths and weaknesses.   Zoning in on our weaknesses makes us believe we are faulty, unworthy and not enough.  We will struggle to fix these so called issues for perhaps the rest of our lives.  And the even more damning part is, it is usually a totally inaccurate assessment in the first place, because appraisals are from some other faulty person judging another.

Appraisals force people to work harder for less.  They make people work on things that perhaps cannot easily be changed, or worse, on a condition that doesn’t even exist.  Many times that same problem no longer exists in a different environment.  Appraisals wound.

What is needed is a change of focus to positive things.  What are a persons strengths that can be developed and encouraged?  What things would this person like to try, learn or grow in?  Are they happy as they are?  Is there a better place for them in this company that could use their talents? This should be an ongoing communication, not a dreaded once a year sit down with the boss.

Many places I worked at where I enjoyed my job would try to promote me into positions doing something entirely different and I was quickly very unhappy.  Instead of giving me more opportunities to do what I enjoy and shine at, they have their own agendas that have nothing to do with my happiness.

However, one place I stayed at for 20 years because they kept rewarding my strengths and interests.  For instance, when they discovered my love of photography they got me a little camera and made me official photographer of their company events.  Knowing I enjoyed drawing, they gave me the duty of making posters and forms.  When I wanted to learn something new, they sent me on courses.  These were the gems that enabled me endure other duties I did not so enjoy.  When management changed, I was put in charge of scheduling and arranging meetings for 9 committees and I quickly died.

I loathe the last part of appraisals; what are your five and ten year goals?  Easy, in 5 years to be long gone from here, and in ten, forget I ever worked here.  At eighteen I applied for a cashier job at a drug store, and the manager wanted to know what my future was with the company, my five and ten year goals.  Seriously?  At 18?  A cashier job?  My goals were how I was going to spend my cheque on the weekend, how much fun I could have.

Right up there with performance appraisals are the motivational staff meetings.  The message at those is clear.  We are not good enough.  We need to do ridiculous and embarrassing things in public to prove we are part of the culture.  It is humiliating and degrading.  Just stop that stuff.

Managers, stop being assholes.  Reward your employees by looking for their strengths, the things they love, and promote them to positions that utilize their abilities, and ultimately make them outstanding employees, because they love what they are doing.

You’ll be amazed at what happens.

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Another Work in Progress

Today, after another painful physio session, I wax philosophical once again at the bus stop.

As a fatalist, who believes in a predetermined destiny of most things, I am coming to realize that I am not being prepared for any future thing.  There is no purpose to my life in that I am going anywhere.  Instead, I am constantly being changed right on the spot, day by day.  God is a creator.  He is always creating something new.   I am always on the potters wheel, constantly being molded by Gods’ loving hands.  Never to be a finished project, but a work in progress, constantly recreated.  There is no end goal.  If I look at the world around me, all things are constantly being renewed, every single second.

I used to think events had something to teach me, and yes, this is still sometimes true.  Until I experienced constant pain.  Pain can work on you only so far, and then you burn out.  The universe is not a school.  The universe is creativity, bringing things into being.  I can move forward by learning things from my experiences, but the goal is not to build character.  There is no goal.  It is just constant change.

I have learned that you must fight to win, and persevere, but there are times to step back and let it go where it will.  This episode is teaching me to turn inside out, to see the world with gratitude and love, despite the screaming banshee in my legs always calling me back to myself.  I am part of a much larger thing.

It is a time for me to let God finally have rule over my life.  To let Him flow through me, making every moment a God moment.  A love moment, seeing with gratitude and wonder, awe and reverence for all that is evolving.

I am part of a story.  The story of the universe.  A story of creativity.

On the way home I rescued a large fluffy yellow caterpillar from undulating out into traffic and placed him back into a grassy field.  I wonder what kind of butterfly he will become?  Another work in progress.

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Love

Behind the bus stop near my physiotherapist (yes, I am back at it again – but that is another story),  a huge excavation is taking place.  A deep rectangular hole has been sliced out of the ground, a towering lattice work crane sits at its center.  Silent today as it is Saturday, all that weekday busyness is enclosed securely behind a chain linked fence, that bulges right up to where I am standing.

At the foot of the pole that marks this as a bus stop, there stands a very old tree.  Much mangled from the construction ensuing around it, and probably neglected for countless years before, it manages to survive.  Some bark has been stripped off, there are dead branches, and the leaves are dusty.  Yet it presses against all the stuff around it, new growth pushing up and beyond the overhead telephone wires to the sky and sun.  At its base a mess of weeds and wildflowers all tangled up in bits of metal and broken concrete, but growing so lush and blooming as to almost conceal the debris.

On this hot summer day, I appreciate the beauty of the flowers and the shade of the tree.  It reminded me to be grateful.  I also appreciated the fact that no matter how we try to demolish it all, a tiny shoot will soon push up through the cracks and greenery reappears.

But it occurred to me that it is not enough to feel gratitude only as the moment presents itself to me.

We have lots of time to think at our bus stops, and get a good tan while at it.

I realized I need to put God into every moment, so He flows through my entire life, not just parts of it.

I believe that the entire universe operates on the principle of love.  Not the mushy kind of love.  Love as the creative life generating force.  The tree of life. Love as abundance, creation, imagination, life, goodness, joy. The love that endures and perseveres. I call this love God.  Not the omnipotent, controlling, Kingdom type God, of punishment and whatever else is so off putting about peoples ideas of God.  But a God of love.

This love needs to fill my being so I am always in it, and not just reminded of it on rare occasions.

It is a good thing our buses take so long to arrive.

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Silver Lining

Life truly is a journey.  I’m not talking about the grand sweep of things from birth to death, or the lofty goals and plans we have, but the simplest of things like buying a pair of socks can end up being a grand adventure.

Happy outcomes (or not) are the result of many miles fraught with obstacles or surprises.  Even in Star Trek with the ability to go from point A to point B in seconds with a simple “Beam me up Scotty”, can be quite the experience.

We love drama and get caught up in the negative details of our trip, forgetting the outcome.  A great story is born from all the negative things that happened.  I have learned however, that what you focus on, you get more of.  Yes, some cliches are true!

Anything we attempt will be a process.  The most mundane activities, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, or buying a new piece of furniture can become a melodrama of epic proportions worthy of Hollywood movies (and often become such) and enable some lengthy conversations, with each person trying to upstage the other.

Some of us have become intolerant, entitled, perfectionist spoiled brats where not only the outcome must be perfect, but all the steps to it as well.  To expect your journey and destination to be flawless results in you having a screaming temper tantrum in McDonalds because they forgot to give you ketchup with your fries (with your meltdown on the internet with thousands of views – and comments).

Now some things truly are tragic – they go badly from the beginning and get worse from there.  I can empathize.  We all have stories!  No matter how much we planned, researched and prepared, there can be the unexpected.  And, sometimes life just knows better than us and blocks us savagely from certain directions.  But we seem to have lost our ability to be accepting and flexible.  More of us are making bigger deals out of lesser things.  And ditto, I am afraid, of making lesser deals out of bigger things!

There is a lot we can learn from our little journeys and get satisfactory outcomes.  We can avoid similar pitfalls in our next outing, though there will be new ones.  We can help others along the same path.  We can grow and learn and become a bit more patient and understanding.  Or we can remain that bull in the china shop, demanding our way at the expense of everything and everyone else.

To paraphrase a Rolling Stones song “You can’t always get what you want . . . but you can get what you need”.

I recently bought a flute.  Of course there were some obstacles and some interesting fine print details.  So it was not the flute I expected to get but it is good enough.  I got what I needed.  The one I wanted I can now save longer for, instead of taking on financing and I can wait for a sale.  All the while I still have a flute to play, which is the best outcome for now.  If I had of held out for everything to be perfect I would have nothing.  Which is kind of stupid, since what I want to do is play.

It is rare, but it does happen that I get exactly what I want easily.  Once I wanted to purchase a leather coat.  I hesitated for a long while as they can be quite expensive and yet, there the coat was, front row and center of the very first store I went to.  It fit me perfectly and was on sale.  This was so surprising that the clerk said she was obligated to try and sell it to me anyhow, which was the most comical transaction I have ever made.

Unfortunately, some of the bigger things in life have not been so easy.  Like a career.  Or a mate.  Life kind of steered me in all directions on those ones.

I find now that if I don’t make a big story out of the negative things in my journey, I have less of them.  I learn from them, but I don’t need to share them.  I am sure most people like to hear all the good things that happen along the way.  I know I do!  I like to be amazed at synchronicity, it thrills me!

As I get older, I want my life to be more positive and interesting because of happy coincidences.  I do read with envy those people who seem to have wondrous synchronicities happen to them with better than expected outcomes.  I think it all comes from your attitude about your journey, whether it be buying a pair of socks, planning a wedding, all the way to designing your future.  Keep looking for the silver lining and you’ll find a gold one instead.

I know.  I am a dreamer.  So be it.

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What You Do Best

A couple of years ago I attended a Comiccon to visit the artists gallery, mistakenly believing that would be one of the main attractions at such an event.  Instead there were two rows of tables and booths shoved at the very back of the huge venue, sort of an after thought.

As I walked up and down the rows several times, I was greatly disappointed.  Not that the art wasn’t good, some artists are awesome, but there was nothing truly unique.

One young woman however, at a tiny booth wedged between some heavy weights, had some truly beautiful cat drawings.  Okay, I am partial to all things cat, but she captured the essence of a cat, its unique personality, not just the poses.  This is a special talent, to be able to pull out character from a drawing, so it speaks to you.  She displayed them rather apologetically, crowding them out with Zombies, several comic books she was developing.  I bought one of her cat prints, and she insisted I take several Zombie prints free, to promote her comic book.  I told her Zombies have zero appeal to me, but her cat illustrations are awesome.  She was disappointed.

She was ignoring her real talent in hopes of making it big in the comics world.  Agreed, there is huge money making potential in comics and graphic art novels.  The competition is fierce but many are making it.  However, her artistic ability was way elsewhere.

Now some artists want to make it big, in any way they can.  This is okay.  But some artists want to be other than they are.  I read that Noble, who did the backgrounds for Wile E. Coyote and Marvin the Martian always wanted to be a fine artist, even though we are wowed by his futuristic landscapes.

I believe in being true to yourself, that the world ultimately recognizes authenticity.  Does not mean it’ll like it, or reward  you for it.  Ones style however is unique.

I am guilty of wanting to be other than I am, and have, in my youth, and in age, naively gone off on wild tangents other than concentrating on my strengths.  It is good to learn new things, but if it makes you frustrated with your style then something is wrong.

Is it better to be a starving authentic artist or a wealthy fake?  Ha, ha.

It is way better to concentrate on developing your strengths than it is to try and fix weaknesses.  This applies to all things in life, not just creative pursuits.  We spend way too much time worrying about our faults, when we all have quite interesting abilities.  And our own style.

In such a critical, fault finding world, I applaud those who wish to shine at what they do best.  For true happiness is found there.

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Stop Looking Backwards

I read an article this morning that helped me to understand what is happening in the United States today.

Automobile makers have been freed of emissions regulations and as a result have resorted back to producing big, heavy, gas guzzling, pollution spewing trucks and abandoning the production of cars.

It occurred to me then that Americans are pining for the past, the glory days of the 50’s and 60’s, when everything was big from hairdo’s to cars.   Middle class was rising and becoming wealthy.  The space age began.  There were big dreams and the economy was booming.  The world was large.

But that is the highlight reel.

Out of all the white middle class suburbia and glory came gory.

Racism.  Pollution.  Abuse.  To name only a few.

As we became aware of such things, and realized they were not good, we took steps to fix our messes and evolved to today.   I think a lot of stuff in the past was done in ignorance and innocence.  We were children then, but now we are adults.  No longer innocent or ignorant of our footprint on this world or our impact on the global stage.  We pay a huge price for our ways.  There are consequences to every action we take.

Todays world is a global community with no options for being isolationist any more.  We must learn how to get along and work towards common goals.  There is no room for dictators with selfish ambitions, we will all perish under such rulers.  Those days should be long behind us.

If we don’t pay attention to our carbon footprint on the environment we are out of time.  Where can we go if this world dies?

Forget Star Trek fantasies of the 60’s.  The universe is a hostile place and ginormous.  There are no planets with handsome men and bodacious women, breathable air and luxuries abounding.  You think we are going to flee to Mars or live in satellites where every day is a fight to stay alive?  We live on a beautiful planet, our only home.  There is no place else to go.  We can build huge rocket ships, but to go where exactly?  And who gets to go?  It only happens in science fiction novels.  It is not reality.  Forget escaping, we need responsibility.  We need to grow up.

The exception to our current giant steps backward is the MeToo movement, a huge step forward for women.  That is why I pin my hopes on women to save the world.  If we preserve our nurturing, loving nature and combine it with our new found confidence we could end racism, poverty, abuse, pollution and all ills of the world.

It is the bad things in life that make us aware of what we want the world to look like.  I am optimistic (though it wavers) – we usually, eventually, take responsibility to make things right again.  I did read a hopeful article that said the U.S. has survived many bad things and leaders and picked itself up and moved forward, and this gave me hope.  Yes, we can evolve but we have to stop looking backwards.  We can look at the crap and decide we’re not going there again.

Likewise, on a personal note, I too have to stop pining for the past and create a whole new me and life.

I think we all should.

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Why “NO”

I made this comment on LinkedIn about the legalization of marijuana use in Canada:

“I am so against the legalization of any recreational drug.  It gives the message that being impaired is okay.  We still have problems with alcohol.”

I received some backlash on this, so I wish to elaborate on where I am coming from and why I say NO.

First of all, this is not my cause.  If it were I would have made an effort to halt this happening instead of making a comment after the fact.  It is just my opinion.  Opinion based on faulty logic, as it is with everyone.  Logic comes from our life experiences and how many years we’ve been at it.  I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s so I know something about the matter, though my experiences may be quite different than others of the same generation.

This legislation was passed on a vote of 52-29.  That’s 81 people.  Hardly representative of an entire nation.  It is also a government decision, and they look at money first.  If you are naive enough to think all that revenue will go to build roads, schools, hospitals and the like, I suggest you ask where all the money from alcohol, cigarettes and gambling is now going.

Where we had one law, we will now have to spend lots of money to implement many more laws to regulate the use of this substance.  When it was illegal, there was one law and one exception – medicinal use.

I am not against the use and legalization of drugs for pain and disease.  I am against legalizing it for pleasure.

Mary Jane is a drug and it is addictive.  Anything that gives you pleasure you can become addicted to, require more of and eventually be unable to be happy without.  This applies for everything from sugar to sex to alcohol and cigarettes and anything else you can think of.  We are a species prone to addiction to pleasure.

It impairs your ability to think clearly and function.  It makes some think they are brilliant, funny and leaders.  Have you ever worked with a stoned person?  Driven with them?  Would you want to?  How about repair your house, operate heavy equipment, doctor you, fix your teeth…?

How is being impaired with marijuana better than alcohol if you kill someone while driving?  How is being impaired while driving better than not?

I know some people my age who have always been pot heads.  Their lives are a mess, but they are not so aware of it.  They make ridiculous (and sometimes costly) decisions and some cannot have sex with their partner without it.  One smoked pot all his life to prevent glaucoma.  Guess what.

Like attracts like.  Do you want to hang around with fellow alcoholics, smokers, tokers?  Or do you want to hang with people doing something constructive with their lives?  Going places?

I am not against recreational use of anything, except I know where it can lead.  We as humans are not terribly good at moderation.  What starts as fun can soon become a necessity.

Making something illegal does not solve problems, but neither does making it legal, because legislation is the wrong approach to begin with.  It does not decrease crime, it merely ‘relocates’ it to something else.

What we need is education – how to have a life, make good choices, help the world, have relationships, handle money, be happy.  We fail our young by not teaching them life skills.

My cause is not making substances illegal.  My concern is with people wasting their lives and everyone elses.

There are better ways to enjoy your life, to relax and to have fun.  Alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana and the like are substitutes for genuine joy.

It is not okay.

Make the effort to find real joy in your life.