Author: samandoat

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Employed Single

I recently read an interesting article about the perceptions employed married persons have of their fellow single workers, and it brought back a lot of memories.

I find what happened in the past amusing, but at the time was frustrating. Those were the days when women were on a whole different level in the working world.

Today I enjoy working for and with single women and these issues are gone from my life. Well, mostly.

It sometimes happened that I cohabited (in those days we said cohabited to make it sound formal. To our friends, it was ‘living together’ until common law came into existence). But since this was not a recognized form of attachment I would still be treated as a single person, but with a moral problem.

When it was time for raises, I was informed I didn’t need one because I was single and didn’t need as much money as married people. If anything, I needed more because I only had one income, they had two!

Of course, as a single woman I must be sitting at home doing nothing, and therefore my free time belonged to the company. I was once called a coward because I refused to continue giving up my Saturdays to do work at home that my married co-workers couldn’t possibly do, because, well, they are married!

I was frequently called in during my vacations to do menial work or take care of a crisis that married workers could not deal with, well, because they are married! I still have a bit of trouble keeping my vacations to myself even in my current situation but for different reasons.

If anything needed doing in my life, there was only me to do it. I seldom had the luxury of assistance from a partner to run errands, fix things, or take care of anything. Yet to try and have time off for an appointment was difficult because it was believed as a single person I somehow didn’t need to do anything that married people do. I never had major issues, well, because, I am single! Anything greater than the flu was not believed.

I was told I have the world by the balls, like I didn’t have any responsibilities or concerns, and I could do virtually anything. In reality, the world often had me. I had debts. I had an ailing Mother to care for. I often felt insecure and alone and had no safety net. I didn’t have any back up financially or otherwise, so to venture out on my own was very risky. I longed to go back to school, and I did, and it was scary as a ‘mature single student’, watching my hard earned savings dwindling and the debt rising. I wanted to start my own business and have at last, but I never had someone to catch me if I fell. My debts are my own.

My married co-workers and bosses had houses, cars and exotic vacations. These are luxuries I seldom got to enjoy as a low income earner. Whenever I would go on vacation to another place it was frowned upon – a single woman going where??? And they would wonder where I got the money from. Why would a single woman want a house? Or need a car? Ah, those were the days. . .

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Purging

There is this strange phenomena that happens when I decide to do a major purge of stuff.

It does not seem to matter how much crap I discard, trash, give away or recycle, my place still looks the same.

This is how it has been all my life. Does this happen to anyone else?

I have spent the last 4 weekends on a major purge. I donated bags and bags of clothes – mostly suits I wore when I worked in a office, along with the dreaded killer high heels (glad to be rid of those – though I did try a pair on, just in case I thought I still could manage a 20 something swagger.)

I redid my studio and made a lot of wanna be artists happy as I unloaded truck loads of paper, pens, pencils and other more artsy stuff into their eager hands. But as I sit here, do I really have any more room? Hmmm. Well, it is cleaner. . . and I got some new better stuff. . .

I guess it is because of my organizational style. That whatever I keep, I now arrange it to suit me, so it just takes the space of the gone stuff. But my clothes closet is not any more roomy, and I did not buy more clothes. I think it must be that my living spaces shrink and expand according to what is in them. Or during the night things secretly reproduce.

At any rate, I feel better. Getting rid of those suits ensured I will never go back to working in an administrative office ever YAY! And getting new and more suitable art equipment is a step in the right direction for the kind of future I want.

I would love to get a bigger place to live – but it’ll expand and contract just like my little apartment. At night things will multiply while I sleep. Next morning I’ll look in my closet and say “I thought I got rid of that”, or in my studio “How is it I now have 3 of these?” No, I haven’t shopped and forgot – yet.

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Treasures Lost

Tucked off to the side in a mundane looking office building was a small library. This was a magical place. My Mom would frequent there and bring home science fiction for me, with the strict admonition to “not tell your Father!” How she selected such books was a mystery until I was much older. The stories were not fantasy, but future scenarios based on believable technology. Many of them had a profound and lasting effect on me, so I remember those stories to this day.

I loved writing, and banged out some pretty wild stories of my own on an old, sticky keys, heavier than a boat anchor, Underwood. When I was old enough, I made my own trek to that library and fished out much needed facts and other research for my imaginings.

My Mother had been a secret writer, hiding the fact from a disapproving husband. That’s how she knew such great fiction, she’d been reading it herself! But she vehemently denied this, claiming she disdained science fiction. However, all those books had been carefully chosen, they were the best of the best, I never read any crap.

Unfortunately, my Mother either abandoned writing altogether, or destroyed her work. Her later years were spent devouring murder mystery novels, she was insatiable. She only confessed to being a writer then, but no amount of coaxing could persuade her to write one single line for me. A treasure lost.

Like so many other things, late in life, I have only come to appreciate the gifts my Mother gave me. The love of books, libraries, reading, research and writing came from her. Thank you Mom!

My Father was a non-fiction writer, but he never published his works. I discovered them in his paperwork long after his death. He had a fascination with geology and had literally written an entire text book on the subject.

Two treasures lost.

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A Good Source Of

A lot of food products are advertised as being a good source of something we need, like protein, vitamin D, calcium.

But personally, I like stuff that is a good source of joy.

And that is not always healthy stuff, unfortunately. I like to have fun once in a while, and that might be a bag of cheesies. A piece of cake.

Or, it could be a mad dash for a splash in a puddle. . .

As crazy as it sounds, it is even what I’ve been doing the past two weeks. Completely redoing my entire studio. All new stuff. Purging all the old. A very good source of joy that is.

A good source of happiness can be a clean sweep, a fresh start.

It can also be what I will do next.

Rest.

Whew!

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The Critics

When I first started publishing my own books, I had lots of people criticize my efforts.  People who seldom even wrote an e-mail and thought that was publishing, were telling me they never would have made the mistakes I made, or done it the way I did.  They judged my every decision as if they knew better than me.  I am glad I did not pay them much attention.

One of my heroes is now undergoing criticism and scrutiny and I hope he ignores it all.  Boyan Slat, is a 24 year young man attempting to clean up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, a massive expanse of mostly plastic flotsam covering an area the size of Texas.    https://www.theoceancleanup.com

This is a monumental undertaking.  The people who criticize the current systems failures have no idea what a formidable task this is, as huge and as complicated as going to the moon.  And like going to the moon, has never been done before.

The ocean is a hostile, massive, deep body of water, with incredible powerful forces.  This is not some environment you can write reports about and then everything will work fine. You have to get out there and experience it.  And this is what Boyan Slat is doing.

We need to encourage people like Mr. Slat that he should never give up.  We made it to the moon with far less technology and beyond.  We can now clean up our oceans and restore the world.  We can learn from our mistakes and revise and rebuild.  One day Mr. Slat will be the most celebrated hero of the day.

Critics forget, this has never been done before.  The only real way to make it work is to get it off the drawing board and go DO it.  President Kennedy realized the same truth about going to the moon.  We had to do it.  Not just talk and write science fiction about it.  The rubber has to meet the road.

Boyan Slat is my inspiration, an example of perseverance and resilience, doing something you and I could never do.  He has the right attitude – learn from the mistakes and the unexpected and revise and rebuild until it works.  We need to silence the critics.

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Waiting For January 2nd

It is hard to not make New Years Resolutions.

The same force that compels us to have the Christmas spirit is the same that makes us want to promise all kinds of things for next year.  It is not our fault.  It is a very real energy.

When all that energy wears off however, usually by January 2nd, we wonder, what were we thinking?  We spent way too much money, ate till we near burst and we made resolutions that will inevitably just not happen.

The reasons why we don’t change, can’t change or won’t change is because it is no fun.  

I stopped making resolutions many years ago because I got tired of beating myself up.  They are very ego bruising.

We are pleasure seeking creatures, like most animals, we don’t excel with misery.  If resolutions mean work, well, that means misery and that means we are not going to do them, at least, not for long.

Therein are the secrets to keep resolutions, after the thrill is gone of making them. The first secret is to make them pleasurable.  We make everything tedious work.  Make it play and you will easily do whatever needs to be done – well, almost.  You may need a bit of discipline once in a while, after all, old habits die hard.  However, if you continually make it an effort, you are done, you won’t budge, you won’t do it.  The second secret is to be open and try many things.  There is always more than one way to an end.  And trying many things – guess what – is fun!

Exercise.  Ugh.  How many of us are going to make that promise?  Off to the gym we trudge like we are doomed.  Who says exercise has to be the gym?  There are hundreds of different ways to get physically fit.  You could try every single one of them and still have plenty of choices left for next year.  Perhaps one of them will click with you and you will – oh my goodness – enjoy it so much you’ll keep going!  You can walk, run, swim, do karate, ballet, boxing, rowing, tennis. . . or do everything if you have the energy!

Diet.  Oh, how many times have I been down this dead end.  And hated every single minute of it.  Instead, I learned how to cook healthy and found healthy foods I actually enjoy eating.  There are many ways to get into the spirit of good food – cooking classes, seminars given by nutritionists, beautiful healthy food cookbooks and magazines, the internet is bursting with thousands of recipes and ways to make your favourite foods with substitute ingredients for all the bad stuff.  And I also learned to like my body, lumps and bumps and all.  It is way better to feel good inside than to look like a model.  When I feel healthy and strong, well, I’ve met my goal!

Changing a personality trait or behaviour can also be fun as you try on new ways of being.  We are very flexible and adaptable creatures.  As always, I only support positive changes never destructive ones.  There are infinite ways of being a better person than you are now.  But perhaps, you are already good enough.  None of us are perfect.  Maybe you are trying to be who you are not – somebody else – and forgetting what a great person you already are.  Any destructive behaviour however, is worth making a resolution to change it for good and forever.  Not just for you, but for everyone.

My only thoughts for the New Year are to keep on doing what I love and do more of what matters to me.

No, I’m not going to make a resolution now.

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Animals Are Not Humans

I want people to know this when they bring home a pet this Christmas, or at any time.  Animals are not humans.

So many people expect their pets to behave as a human would.  Now sometimes they do.  Mostly, they do not.  I ask you to allow your pet to be who they are and enjoy their perspective on life.  Maybe even learn a thing or two from it.

Many animals are simply not meant to be domesticated.  Exotic pets are not pets, they are animals far removed from home, and this makes my heart very very sad.  How much better to leave them in the wild and enjoy them from a distance.  It is mans nature to want to own things and collect things and when this extends to wild animals I am uncomfortable with it.  Some animals have a truce with us, such as cats and dogs and the like.  But others do not belong in our human world.

If I had my way everyone would have to take a course on how to properly treat animals before they could have one.

All animals respond to love, and this is a trait shared with humans.  If you can only remember one thing, remember this.

If you treat your pet with love, you never tease or punish it, it will trust you and soon learn what is acceptable and not in your world.  Your job is to be a responsible person; to protect and provide for them.  In return you will have a companion like no other.

You have to adapt to their modus operandi to successfully blend your two worlds together so both of you are safe and loved.  Pets are meant to be companions, not slaves and forced to exhibit abnormal behaviours, to do tricks for you or wear costumes.  They need to be appreciated for who they are, and be certain, they will not change for you.

An animal can live well and be well adjusted if you understand and accommodate its needs.  You will be surprised at how well an animal can adapt to your environment when it is treated with respect and love.

Ditto, by the way, for humans.

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Tethered

Ahead of me a very old and tired looking man carries a big empty box with the word Stroller on it in large white letters.  He looks back, not at me, but at the woman and said stroller behind me, replete with screaming child, tethered securely in.

Strollers are a bad thing for children.  I realize, for many a busy, harried adult, they are a godsend.  But when these restrained children grow up, they are going to have plenty of leg, hip and back problems.

Strollers only compound a problem we already have with our youth, who sit for long periods of time in front of electronic devices.

Young children scream and squirm when in strollers because they need to walk, run and move around.  Sadly, I see many children who have now resigned to their fate and sit sadly in the stroller.  I have never seen a happy child in one.

As a child I walked everywhere with my Mom.  I loved stairs and would run up and down to my hearts content.  I am sure I wore my Mother out!  In later years she told me that it was the stair climbing that got to her the most.  She added however, that this is what parents are for – to look after their children, often at the expense of their own well being.   Her duty was to keep a watchful eye on me and keep me from harm, and to let me be a kid.  And kids are boundless energy.

Once she tried to put a harness on me and discovered I completely wound myself up in it the one second she looked away.  That was the end of that.  Instead both parents taught me to know restraint by using my brain, so I sat still on buses, and did not run off across the street.  They taught me to respect other people and their property so I restrained my curiosity and used my imagination instead.

I know that how I feel is an unpopular stance, but I think too often parents are only thinking of themselves and their own well being and forget what it means to be a child.  Let your children be free, and let them be children.  We restrain them in so many ways, not just with strollers.  They cannot explore or run, or even be on their own.  They miss all the magic and fun of growing up.

Let them be kids this Christmas.  I know for many it is too late.  They will spend all Christmas staring at blue light, instead of merrily ripping open pretty packages and delighting in toys and play.  Will there even be a Christmas tree?  Or music and laughter and dancing?  Will there be any activity other than fingers skipping madly over keys?

Throw away your strollers, open up the door and go out in the snow.  Have a snow ball fight, build a fort.  Decorate a Christmas tree.  Play with your children.  You might just find the kid in yourself once more.

Remember the true meaning of Christmas.  This is the time a saviour was born.  It is a time to celebrate, be joyous and active.  The spirit fills many of us with cheer because someone came to save us from ourselves.  Jesus loved little children and admonished those who would not let them be who they are.  Check it out for yourself.

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To Tell The Truth

I work fortunately, and unfortunately, a block from an art supply store.  Next to hardware stores and bookstores, this ranks as one of my financial undoings.

However, I am still somewhat frugal.  I amassed my supply of inks and pencils by buying a couple a week until I have the whole set.  It took a long time.

I applied the same thinking to buying my supply of winter socks.  Buy a pair every week until I had a adequate supply.  Ditto for food items I stock up.  I’m like a bear about to hibernate, or a squirrel I suppose.

Time goes by fast and next thing I know I have enough.  I don’t have to have everything all at once.  It is also kind of fun, collecting with an end goal in mind.

Some people can save up for things.  If I put money in the bank I find it way too hard to withdraw it.  It was so hard to earn in the first place.  So I budget how much I can spend per week on something, and then do it.  Unless a sale captures me!

The thing that put me in debt this year was my health.  That was a lot more dollars than a few colour pencils and ink.  If there is such a thing as good and bad debt, I suppose this is good.  But I’d rather have been in health and bought an SUV to tell the truth.

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Just Because

I am not a diamond girl, I am silver.

As a young woman, I would save up my money to buy sterling silver jewellery.  A long time ago (a long, long time ago!) I saved up gold bond stamps to get a sterling silver ring, and have used points cards.  I am frugal.

Nothing fancy, I like simple things.  I wore a plain silver ring with a few designs on it for a long time.  

Jewellery has not been my favourite form of silver however.  As I’ve gotten older I seldom if ever wear jewellery any more.

I once bought my Mother a silver bar for Mother’s Day that had a rose etched on it.  I like silver that is also art.  Stuff I could look at instead of wear.

Every year I by a maple leaf coin from our mint.  Nice classic design on a large coin.  As you know, maples hold a special place in my heart.

For my birthday I bought myself a silver coin I’ve been wanting for a year.  I could not afford it, but I did it anyways. (Black Friday madness – but I did save some $).  It has beautiful pictures of our countries flora and fauna on it.  It is a big coin – I like big!

I feel a bit guilty, as this is a luxury gift.  I appreciate the beauty of it however, and can gaze at a good work of art for hours.  It beats the heck out of the usual gift to myself of sock and underwear.  Definitely an upgrade from that!

So why ramble on to you about this?  Well, Christmas is coming (this coin is a dual purpose gift) and I want you to get yourself a ‘just because’ gift.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant, or practical or useful.  It is a gift to yourself because you are worth it.  

And perhaps if someone is asking what you would like as a gift, you will actually tell them what you want, and get your ‘just because’ gift.