Author: samandoat

Posted on

Asleep But Still Functioning

I know that what I am about to write about is rather obvious to most of you, but for me it is novel. I equate it to having been unconscious and still functioning, walking around asleep but managing, and not being much aware of it.

Let me explain. For 2+ years I have been ill. I developed a condition that decreased my physical mobility to that of those lumbering ancient tortoises you see on the Galapagos Islands. While acutely aware of my new physical limitations, I was unaware of how much this was affecting my mental abilities. Not just my mood, but my perception and ability to do things, especially the mundane, so called easy tasks.

I noticed this as I folded my laundry this morning. For the first time in what seems forever, doing laundry seemed to go much faster and all my towels etc. were neatly folded. I marveled at the straight uniform folded pile of towels and how easy that went. A simple task that I struggled with, not just because my limbs were tired and hurting, but I was not able mentally to fold anything straight.

Perhaps this sounds ridiculous, I guess it does. As time goes by and I get better (thanks to big pharma), I am noticing how much trouble I had with mundane tasks for the past two years. Of course I was aware of how much trouble the big things were, like getting on and off a bus, sitting on low seats (ahem, toilets) and then trying to get back up, carrying groceries, even pouring a cup of tea! Physical things were exhausting and difficult to execute, even just standing for a short period of time was depleting. And managing a cane while trying to do all this was enlightening. All this gave me a new outlook and empathy for others similarly struggling.

But what I missed seeing was the mental struggle. Being depressed and moody was understandable. But losing some mental ability was startling. I was not thinking straight. My perception of the world was skewed. It was not a huge difference, perhaps not even noticed by others (or they were polite!), but now I am thinking like I used to, before this condition, without ever realizing I had stopped thinking like I used to. Very strange.

As I said before, we are very much chemical beings. The chemistry of our bodies and minds quite often determine our behaviour, thoughts and actions, and we are unaware.

I liken my experience to being sleep deprived. You think you are okay, but you are not. You do not realize how out of it you are until either someone points it out, or you discover it yourself as a blatant mistake you made in judgement and reasoning or in performing a task, much after the fact.

At any rate, I am back to being my very happy old self! I certainly missed her!

Posted on

Talk is Cheap

I’ve been watching Trump and company for some time now, all the high crimes and misdemeanors, and have decided to go on a Trump free diet.

The realm of politics is one of pure evil, where all manner of crimes go unpunished. Corruption is the norm. Politics attracts criminals because it is a safe haven for them. They can commit all kinds of atrocities and never face justice. Politics is immoral and indecent, the devils own playground.

In the ordinary world, a person commits a crime, is arrested and goes to jail. I have never seen a politician arrested, do time or even been handcuffed. And their crimes way outstrip that of most of the populace. In the normal world there is protocol, accountability, manners, a code of conduct and decency that we try to follow. There is at least a sense of fairness and justice in our day to day interactions with others. We know how to be civilized. Could any of us do any of the things Trump does so blatantly without recourse? Would we even want to? No way!

Politics enables the psychopaths, egomaniacs, narcissists, and the psychotic to wreak havoc without consequence. Their crimes range from verbal abuse all the way to genocide and they never do time, they don’t even pay a fine. They are allowed, even enabled, to give free rein to their severe personality disorders. Such a person would not last long in normal society. In politics, they are there forever.

Crimes in politics just goes on and on and on without any resolution. Endless investigations and talk, talk, talk. Talk is cheap. I have no tolerance for unfinished business. What is there to investigate, to debate? It is right there in our faces. But . . .

The rules of my normal world don’t apply to politics and therefore I cannot hope that good will triumph over evil. Politics disheartens the good and instills hopelessness. Who needs that?

I want my head to be where there is hope and peace. The place where ordinary people do extraordinary things. The smallest acts of kindness are a million times more grand than the endless spewing of meaningless promises coming from any politicians mouth.

The real doers of this world get my vote – the person who frees a bird from a fishing net, who rescues an animal in distress. Who gives a hungry person a meal, a homeless person a pair of shoes. The people out there cleaning up the oceans and landscapes. The ones rolling up their sleeves and doing the work and we see results of their labour.

There are enough mini psychopaths and tyrants in my own normal world, thank you very much, that I have to deal with. Fortunately, in my realm, good outstrips evil most of the time, and these people are kept in check. Good outweighs evil and that is the only place I want to live.

Posted on

Chemical Beings

As much as this upsets me to admit it, we are chemical beings.

When I was young I refused to believe this, which is ironic, because it is when you are young that you are the most influenced and controlled by the hormones in your body. I wanted to believe that us humans were some how above our biology, that we are intellectual and mind over matter and all that stuff.

Having been sick for several years, and resorting to big pharma for a remedy, (it is working), I have come to the conclusion that chemicals rule pretty much all of our thought processes.

I did realize as an older person, that hormones controlled most of my adulthood, leaving me to say, what the fuck was I thinking, in a lot of the ridiculous choices I made. Decisions that were not rational, and I did know better! It was not just youth and lack of experience, it was something more, something sinister. Biology! Back in the days when pairing up with another biological being was the predominant force in all of life’s choices – whether I was conscious of it or not. Oh that nasty oxytocin!!!

While I was sick my world view was quite skewered into negative land, though I fought long and hard to keep my head above the water line and stay positive. Taking medication has thrown my world into euphoria (at least for a while), and though a whole lot better way to be, has made me see, I am a product of the chemicals in my body, both physically, and mentally.

Isn’t it strange hearing this from someone with a university education in biology? I had to live a long time to believe what I was taught.

Posted on

Mean

When did we become so mean spirited? Why?

I watched with disgust as President Trump mocked 2 lovers at a recent rally he had, it was most unpleasant to witness a leader stoop so incredibly low. Does he think it makes him look better to belittle, judge, humiliate, mock others?

Leaders are adopting bullying, a juvenile, dangerous and utterly destructive form of leadership. Have you ever been bullied at school? At work? It is a most effective strategy is it not? If you are the bully, you have power over others, you rule the school yard, the office. Bullies don’t care what the cost is, they only want power and to destroy. They are totally self interested and they feed on fear.

Our leaders display the most despicable behaviours when they should be examples of grace, acceptance, manners, diplomacy. Instead they bully, blatantly lie and smear others with hateful commentary. They go to extreme lengths to discredit a fellow human being, engaging others in the quest and ignore their own faults and crimes. They are totally self absorbed. People mistake this as confidence and worship them. Such blind loyalty to a flawed human being is going to cost you. Everyone eventually falls around them, while they are still standing. Is this what we want our children to emulate?

Though I see this at a high level of leadership, I also see the ordinary person be extraordinary and rebel against this hate. Rejecting the us and them mentality that causes so much strife and violence. A leader is one person. We are many. We can quietly do good and change the world. Every small act of good can wipe out tons of bad. By living right we demonstrate what greatness is. We owe it to our children to show them the proper way to live.

The world is, like it or not people, a global community. If you look at history, we have always been striving to be so, eager to cross lines to trade and share, always on the move, restless to encounter others. The boundaries that once separated us are disintegrating, thanks to our ability to rapidly communicate and travel anywhere in the world. This is good and necessary because we all occupy the same, one, small little blue planet, alone in a huge and hostile universe. It is amazing we could think otherwise. The world is a closed ecosystem, what happens in one place spreads out everywhere. No, not even walls can hold back the jet stream, the ocean currents, tectonic plate movements!

Imagine if we all decided to clean up the pollution, end poverty, treat each other with respect and love. If we all worked together to fix our global griefs.

As long as we focus on our differences, openly mock and scorn others, keep our narrow mindedness and hard opinions, we are on a fast track to destruction.

Posted on

Help!

Lucky for me, I finally have a diagnosis and treatment for a condition I’ve been suffering for 2 years! I am very happy to be getting well, at last. However. . .

If you have ever been diagnosed with something, and chances are you have if you are human and alive, you have no doubt experienced a plethora of advice and horror stories that can greatly diminish any optimism you might have held.

It is the horror stories that are the worst. Advice I can ignore.

A floodgate of terror is opened when you tell someone you’ve got something. You’ll hear about how their uncles best friend got it and suffered and was never the same, died a horrible death and left his family destitute. It will always be a story that even the best fiction writers couldn’t dream up.

Sympathy? My employer asked me if I had a list of all the job sites to advertise my job, just in case they have to do without me.

Excuse me?

The best thing ever said to me, many years ago when I was very upset about an illness was, “I am so sorry you are going through this, if there is anything I can do, please let me know”.

Thank you kind and wise co-worker Judy B!

It is a phrase I have tried to adopt when faced with another’s pain.

I realize we don’t know what to say or do in terrible circumstances, but I do think the best things we can do is listen and offer to help.

Posted on

Free With a Price

I guess I must be strange, but when I go to a seminar, I actually want to hear what the speaker has to say.

I recently went to a free seminar on improving your retirement income. As a low income person, to have the opportunity to receive free financial advice from a seasoned professional is a blessing.

But as usual, that sentiment is not shared by many in an audience.

The man next to me loudly announced to a woman, who made the mistake of trying to chit chat to him about the topic before the talk started, that he had no intention or need to retire, that he LOVES what he does. So why are you here? To annoy everyone else I soon found out. He huffed and puffed, clicked his pen constantly throughout the talk, threw the free handouts we got on the chair next to him and sat defiantly with arms crossed.

There were many interruptions and of course, the self proclaimed experts in the audience that took liberties to answer questions for the speaker.

Sigh.

There are so few seminars I have gone to where no one is on their own agenda and respect the speaker and reserve their questions and thoughts until the end of the talk.

However, I did learn a few things, mostly that when it comes to financial advice, you really need a custom made plan as everyone’s life situation is different. And you need to get several opinions and ultimately, make your own plan. The people who could benefit the most are the low income persons, who can’t afford a financial adviser. However, there are free seminars!

Posted on

Living in a Sieve

John Cleese when asked why he went to the United States, replied, he had vowed that once he was able, to never be cold again.

I too have made that vow, but have not had the success of Cleese to do it.

Instead, I have an indoor winter coat.

It was once an outdoor winter coat, but being white, it looked terrific for about a month and then needed some serious cleaning.

So I retired it to where it would stay clean but still have purpose. To wear in my drafty apartment, where there are so many places the air gets in, it is like a sieve.

Living in a sieve is not so bad in the summer, I do not need air conditioning. I love my apartment because I have a big balcony and a very soothing view. But, damn, is it cold in here in the winter!

I have taken all the drastic measures to keep a north wind out; sealing the windows with plastic and tape, stuffing them with towels, blocking them with foam board and finally covering them with heavy duty curtains. I do what I can. The indoor temperature seldom gets above 70F, it hovers around 62-65 no matter what I do, usually for several months.

So I have my indoor winter coat.

You do what you have to do. I like where I am, but if I could afford better, I would – providing it has a nice balcony and view!

Posted on

Quiet Please

Sounds I like to hear.

A cat purring. Rain on a roof. Fall leaves rustling. Thunder. Wind through the pines. Waves lapping the shore. Birds singing in the morning. Crickets on a hot August afternoon.

Songs that remind me of better times. I can be stopped dead in a store by a song that comes on from the past.

A babbling brook. A train blowing his horn way off in the distance. A cats gentle meow. A lonely loon.

Silence. Yes, I like to hear nothing – it is a very rare thing to experience nowadays. Some nights there is a small window of time, maybe 20 minutes, where there is no noise at all.

If I had my way, we would have a mandatory noise free day once a month. People cannot mow their lawns, have radios on, fix their cars or homes. No traffic, no planes or trains, no sirens, no construction. Try to have a day that people can enjoy quiet.

But even the libraries are not quiet any more.

Having headphones on is not the same as open air quiet. Being outside in a quiet place is expansive.

Quiet please.

Posted on

Mom is Smiling

My friend insists I share this story with you, please don’t be offended. This happened 9 years ago and is a true story. I didn’t have much money in those days, and I am a person who makes do.

It was a beautiful fall day. I got off the bus early because I had a special trip to make before my work day began.

The funeral home was conveniently located close to my place of employment.

I went inside and was greeted at reception by an impeccably dressed gentleman in three piece suit and tie. At 8 a.m. he looked ready to greet the Queen if necessary, instead it was just me, in my scrubs, hair tied back. He was a bit uncomfortable, but polite.

“I’ve come to pick up my Mom”

He cleared his throat. I have a loud voice.

After signing all the papers, he presents me with a beautiful and large solid brass urn, it is heavy! But I was ready. I always prepare for things in advance.

I pull out my recycled plastic grocery bag – you know, the ones that can hold fifty pounds and have pictures of fruits and veggies on them.

“Put her in here” I cheerfully hold open the bag.

Aghast and with eyes as big as saucers, the gentleman lowered her gently into the bag and off I went to work. As I slung the bag over my shoulder I remarked that Mom was heavier than I remembered.

I put Mom in the back room of our office where we have our little kitchen and storage area. It was the first time Mom had ever been in my office. No one knew that she spent the day with us, everyone just presumed I had been grocery shopping before coming into work.

At the end of the day, Mom and I took the bus home, her safely tucked in the bag between my feet.

Mom would have approved.

Posted on

Awe

Where I live I can watch airplanes coming in for a landing. When I was a little girl, my parents would take us to the airport to watch the big birds land. In those days, the airport was a strip of tarmac that ended abruptly in a field of long grass. This was of course where we parked our cars, with other on lookers and waited for the big event. Sometimes it was a long wait. Those were the days of no fences, not at airports, drive-ins or most anywhere else to keep us out.

We would be rewarded most times with that silver roaring bird passing over our heads with a great rush of wind, so close we thought we might touch it. Later we’d all head for Kelley’s Ice Cream shack, a place that seemed stuck out in the middle of nowhere, just like the airport.

Nowadays, you could never do these crazy things. It is a good thing. But something has also been lost in our safety first world. Awe.

Awe and wonder are the two things I remember most about my youth. The world was full of mystery. We had to experience things and try to figure things out ourselves.

Much as I love the ease of the internet (I was often frustrated trying to find information as a young girl, we only had small libraries, word of mouth, and teachers who had never been anywhere in their lives), I do miss the magic of discovery.

I do miss watching those airplanes come down over my head.

And the homemade ice cream!