I once had this great idea that I could wipe out a memory by revisiting it.
Long story short. It didn’t work.
I had very special memories of Montreal and a man I loved.
So I took the train to Montreal and decided to go back to some of the places that were particularly poignant and just wipe clean the memories. A purge, if you will.
But all it did was depress the hell out of me.
So much for that.
Here is the correct way to deal with such memories: see the good that came from the experiences that gave you those memories.
That love affair taught me so much, and is invaluable to who I am now.
We have been hit with some nasty cold weather this January, the thermometer dipping close to -30 degrees centigrade, before the windchill!
I would have loved to gone out and snapped photographs of the trees covered in frost, but after some debate, decided this was not such a good idea. Not because of the extreme cold so much, as the ice underfoot.
But an awesome ice crystal mural was to be found in the bus shelter.
My father worked at the Central Experimental Farm for many years in Technical Services. He helped design many of the laboratories on the farm and invented machinery.
His work there has just disappeared. Not a mention anywhere.
Granted, my father was not the most liked man on the job. His previous occupation was that of a Sergeant Major, so he was a tough lad at six feet and didn’t suffer fools gladly, if at all.
But he was an exceptional hard worker, and brilliant. He contributed a lot to the farm.
His co-workers got streets named after them. Many got articles written about them. But my father has vanished into history. Even though his name is not there, he left his mark on numerous buildings and projects.
It has been almost 40 years since he left this planet, and in my old age, I have wished that my Dad had of received some kind of recognition on the farm.
But I guess every daughter wishes that for their Dad.
Ah, it is January and you’ve made New Year resolutions once again.
My condolences.
Temptations are going to happen.
But here is what I learned about temptations.
They are showing you that you have a repressed emotion. It is the emotion you need to address, not the temptation. Not the cupcakes, the potato chips, ice cream. Not the cigarettes. Not the distractions. Not your procrastination or so called weak will. These are stories that point to an emotion not acknowledged. These things make you feel something. It is not the craving or the longing or the resistance that you need to fight, it is the underlying emotion that you need to recognize, accept and love.
Temptations purpose is to show you something. Not defeat you.
They cause an emotion, and emotions never, ever, ever, ever, respond to logic.
Emotions need to be felt, and this is the tricky part. To allow your emotion, to accept it, on its own, without judgement, detached from the story of why you have it.
If you rehearse the story of why, and judge yourself, you are forever trapped in your emotions and temptation will defeat your best efforts. You will stay forever angry, or sad, or whatever you are feeling. The feelings are not wrong. Emotions are not wrong. They are energy that needs to be felt and released. It is only your judgement of them that makes them wrong.
Forget why you feel something.
To resolve your issue you must sit with it, by yourself. Quiet. Feel it. You will find that your emotion evolves, it may start out as anger but becomes sadness. I found the issue I had with overeating had many different emotions attached to it; anger, self loathing, worthlessness, boredom, feeling deprived etc. But if you focus on the ‘why’ stories attached to those you never get out of it.
However, a good cry does wonders. Just be careful you don’t stay at the self pity party too long. That is a story of why and is self defeating to say the least. Whenever you act out an emotion you need be very careful you don’t rehearse the story of why you feel it.
I learned that when I did bag boxing. Boxing is a fabulous stress reliever, providing you focus on the blows you inflict to the bag, and not the problem you are beating up. You are not punching your boss, you are releasing the hurt you feel. This is not about your boss, this is about your sadness. Keep your mind off the story and on what you feel. It is tricky to do. But like all things, practice makes it so. The punching bag also got a lot of hugs while I cried.
Rocky has no worries with this one.
So I learned it is better to sit quiet and locate the emotion in your body. Is it in your throat? Stomach? Legs? Where ever it is, focus on that and feel it until it gradually disappears. This has to be done every time you are triggered, and it does not matter if you succumb to the temptation confronting you the first few tries. Eventually you will no longer have the desire to fulfill the craving or longing, or to resist. It goes away.
This is very hard to do. It requires a lot more effort than just lacing up your running shoes and going to the gym. But the effect is a lasting one, and makes going to the gym for the long term that much easier. It is a whole lot better than padlocking your frig. A whole lot better than beating yourself up with guilt and shame.
And the side effect of this is, you will then make the right choices in your life. They will be love based choices, not fear based. You will respond and not react to situations.
Later you may learn why you feel certain things; for instance a past hurt, a rejection, homesickness, loneliness, worthlessness, and a whole host of victimhood stories from your past. But if you dwell on these stories and not allow yourself to feel your pain, without judgement, you will never be free.
It is called self love.
I have said this often before. If you use any of the above wisdom to do or justify something evil, to act out your rage on others, to harm anyone or anything else, you are not understanding and I will not condone your behaviour on any level.
Oswald Chambers said something very wise and I paraphrase: “The devil does not tempt usjust to make us do wrong things, but on the premise of shifting our point of view.” Then we will be trapped in sin and not see the damage of it.
Worth thinking about the next time you are faced with temptation and where that might lead.
Since I have a cat, my celebration of Christmas is severely limited. I cannot put up decorations or have a tree or wrapped gifts, it is just too much temptation for a happy feline!
So I bought myself some cheap pins and put them in a box and look at them once in a while.
My box of Christmas cheer!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
And be sure to get your booster as soon as you can! Three’s a charm!
For my birthday I bought the original Carl Sagan Cosmos TV episodes on DVD. (Thank you Bill and Carol for the Amazon gift certificate!)
When I first watched this series, Dr. Sagan got me through a hard time in my life. There is something very soothing and comforting about Carl Sagan.
Young people would find the series boring. Dr. Sagan talks slowly with dramatic pauses. The episodes are long drawn out affairs with lengthy special effects overlayed with music crescendos. Nothing moves quickly in Cosmos and that is what I love about it.
Dr. Sagan gives you plenty of time to think about what he is saying and conveying. Those lengthy pauses are pauses for thought. The music and special effects stir the imagination. Cosmos is a meditation.
The show originally aired on PBS and every so often they had telethon fund raisers, where you could pledge money to this organization. They had great commercial free TV, non interrupted episodes of Cosmos and Nova, as well as sitcoms and other programs like Sesame Street. During one telethon, they were offering to the first 20 callers or so the album, The Music of Cosmos. Well, I dialed my finger to the bone to get one, and I did! Not only that, I got to speak with the President of PBS. I still have that music record today! I wouldn’t part with that for anything, even though I no longer have a record player. My next gift to myself will be the CD.
Watching the series now, it is eerie the accuracy of Dr. Sagan’s predictions for the future. I don’t currently agree with everything he believed, but there is nothing outdated in his commentaries.
I have a beautiful view of the Experimental Farm from my apartment, and most days, I can see the Gatineau Hills. Then there are other days that I cannot see the hills at all, and downtown is smudged out.
This is smoke from the terrible fires consuming our beautiful north lands. It gives me chills to think of how much forest is being wiped out by flames. It is devastating. It sickens my heart.
On my dog shit day, I also had an interesting nectarine purchase.
I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from the library and my adventure of being smeared with dog poop. See previous blog about that. My strange day had not ended.
I selected two nectarines along with a bunch of other produce and waited at the designated spot for nice cashier to ring it up.
The fruit slipped out of the bag as the cashier weighed them. She attempted to put them back in the bag and one escaped and rolled down the counter. She fumbled the next attempt and said fruit found the floor and scurried under the checkout.
Nice cashier searched for it. Found it. Wiped it on her pants and put it in the bag for me.
