A beautiful antique Singer sewing machine came up for sale while I was scrolling mindlessly through items on my cell phone a few days ago. It was exactly like the one my Mother used, and was in immaculate condition. This set in motion a longing in me to have it, but at $450 and with too small of an apartment I could only gaze at the picture and sigh.
This gave me pause for thought. As I get older I pine more for the past which causes quite a bit of frustration. I see items all the time I had as a young girl and that time of my life was a whole lot better than my adulthood.
But I was thinking. I am very very fortunate to have had all those lovely things at one time in my life. Although I cannot have them now, I once did have them. Also, all the things I wish I could do, I once did. I long to re-experience them, but it is not that I never had them. So I am very grateful. I know what it is like to have, and now to want. Others never have and only ever experience want.
I came from an upper middle class family that afforded us many nice things and experiences. So for almost 20 years of my life I had those things. My frustration lies in not being able to go back. My childhood was a dream time, full of fantasy and creativity. My adult life, for the most part, sucks shit, and seems to lack the same zeal, and certainly, the appeal.
However, seeing things from the perspective of gratitude for what once was, is helpful. There is still time to grab hold of some of the past, should my fortunes change and money materialize. The challenge is to create a better today, and a more hopeful future. So while I am fortunate to have a generous past to look back at, I may have a more generous future waiting for me. There is still hope.