Procrastination

So much written and discussed about procrastination. The plague that destroys lives.

Here is what I discovered about my own procrastination.

Why do we not do what we love?

We’ll do things we hate, really hate, before we tackle the thing we love. All of a sudden housework, mowing the lawn, clipping our toenails has an urgency, and we kill hours doing the despicable. And there, collecting dust is our masterpiece. The unfinished painting, the needlework kit unopened, the book unread or unwritten, the application papers for University untouched, that dream job unexplored, the music lessons we don’t attend.

Why?

I read that we suppress negative emotions, anger, depression, worry, and that we freely express joy.

Not so.

When I was growing up, silence and good behaviour were the rule. Parents did not want an excited, unruly kid on their hands. I was taught to suppress joy. Be a good girl. Keep my enthusiasm under wraps. Does this sound familiar?

I was taught there is something wrong with being happy.

So when there was something I really wanted to do or have or be, I kept it to myself. Stiff upper lip. I held back boisterous joy and laughter. I was not allowed to show unbridled passion, nor was I allowed to pursue it.

Hello? So whenever something in my adult life arose that imbued that bubbling sense of joy, I shut down. I did other things to keep it at bay.

That is why I procrastinated. This is why I worked at jobs I hated. Had lovers who were crap. Never bought a home, a car or took trips.

WTF.

I still find it difficult to express joy, but I seldom procrastinate now. I allow myself to make noise, messes, get dirty, be intimate, just as much as I allow myself to be angry, sad or just plain miserable (though I keep those negative emotions at home and yell and cry to the houseplants. No I am not suppressing my feelings, I’m just not making anyone else suffer them.)

I bet a lot of people procrastinate for the same reason.