Author: samandoat

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Owning Your Truth

Several things have happened to me in the past year that have put me in the familiar situation of either owning my truth, or trying to save face.

Women are trained from the moment they enter this world to not only apologize for everything, even things they had nothing to do with, but to explain themselves.

It is one thing to apologize and yet another to explain yourself and justify why you did or said something.

We are taught to be flustered in situations where we did something wrong. It is to make us weak and end up feeling very very bad about ourselves afterward. Making excuses and explanations leaves an awful bad feeling in ones soul.

We are taught to fall all over ourselves with explanations. To gush with them.

It is to make us a good girl.

To just apologize, a simple I am sorry and stop there, takes a lot more courage than you might expect. A woman will be questioned, no, interrogated to explain why she was a bad girl.

Even for us to say no, we go into explanations. This is very demeaning. Why can’t we just say no. No I won’t work on my day off. No I don’t want to go out with you. No I don’t like that. No, I don’t want to do that.

Recently I apologized for something I did do wrong, and for something I said. I did do those things and I was wrong to do so. I owned my truth. I did not elaborate. I was interrogated but I said nothing further, just repeated my apology until they finally understood that was all they were going to get from me. And that was enough.

My heart was pounding. My temperature rose to a hundred degrees. I sweat. But I felt terrific later.

Being true to yourself is extremely hard. No one likes to admit they were wrong. Especially if they did or said something on purpose. And women are suppose to explain why, which is so humiliating.

Sometimes I just fuck up. Sometimes I am in a bad mood. Sometimes I don’t know why I did or said something. Sometimes I do. But why do I need explain it to anyone? We all make mistakes, accidently and on purpose.

Own your truth without a single word more. It is freeing.

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Rewrite the Ending

I bet there are a lot of books and movies you wish had a different ending.

I watched Labyrinth during the Christmas holidays. I had not seen it in decades.

The ending should have been that Jareth joined in the party at the end instead of flying away as an owl back to his miserable lonely life in the castle. He could’ve had friends, fun and the girl.

I was disappointed greatly in the ending of All the Light You Cannot See. This novel was beyond awesome and then the ending was like a flat tire. Ffffffsssstttt. All that build up to such a wimpy end. Blah.

Of course Andie should have stuck with Duckie in Pretty in Pink!!

I hate unhappy endings. It is too much like real life.

If I’m going to read a novel or watch a movie, I want it to be uplifting. To hell with reality. I face that every damn day.

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Forms

My fingers are numb from filling out forms.

From the moment we are conceived (and actually for generations before we are even thought of) we are data on forms. We can trace our lineage practically back to the cave man thanks to forms.

Everything we do in life is recorded on forms. Your birth, death, marriage, financial status, health, shopping, you name it. You fill out forms over and over and over, in duplicate, triplicate, ad infinitum. Ad nauseum.

You fill out forms for yourself with cross references to others who also have their piles of forms making a huge web of interesting, but probably mostly useless connections.

You fill out forms to prove you filled out other forms.

And those forms are passed on to others who fill out more forms to prove they have read your form and it goes on and on and on. Entire departments are dedicated to this. It employs a lot of people, which is good I suppose. Eventually you have quite a pile of forms about yourself, with virtually the same information on them, that sits on a server somewhere. Forever.

Until you need that information for some reason.

And then it can’t be found anywhere.

There is no record of you ever having been there, done that, purchased this, returned it, had it repaired, filed it, been at this place, seen this person, had this conversation, underwent this procedure…

The information is lost, misplaced, stolen or just never received.

You need to fill out a new form.

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Shut the F Up

Do you know how extremely fortunate you are?

Perhaps you need a reminder.

I know a person who whines continually about how hard life is. This person has their own house. Their own car. Their own housekeeper. They live alone. They go on extended paid vacations overseas. They buy expensive clothes. Eat at expensive restaurants. But life is so very hard, don’t you know? So difficult to find a work life balance.

I know a man who works 3 jobs to support himself and his family. He works when he is so sick he can barely stand up. Because if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid. And if he doesn’t get paid, a whole lot of other people don’t eat.

I watched a young man stealing menstrual pads in the drug store. Stuffing them into his pants and sleeves. Why would a man steal that? Because he and his partner are broke.

To all you self entitled spoiled brats out there, you need a wake up call. A hefty reality check.

Maybe we can’t solve poverty on our own, but we can be damn grateful for what we have, and not ever forget it.

Next time you go to whine about a privileged first world problem, check out what life is really like for a large portion of the population in one of the richest nations on earth.

And shut the F up.

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Jiminy Cricket

I recently watched Pinocchio, not for the story, it is too traumatizing (I don’t know how I watched this without being upset as a kid – it upset me as an adult!) but for the incredible animation and graphics that, considering how it was painstakingly made, by hand, makes it awesome.

I hadn’t seen this movie since my youth, which is, ahem, quite a while ago. I loved Jiminy Cricket. I had a little model of him, and bought a slightly bigger one a few years ago to sit on my desk.

Happy little fellow isn’t he?

Well, I discovered my little friend here was a bit of a sexist! He put his hand on a dolls behind (he apologized for that, but only because he was embarrassed), he made a lewd remark to a dancing doll, and with eyes bursting through binoculars, ogled some marionette dolls doing the can can!

Jiminy!

So much for being the epitome of conscience! I think your gold star is a bit tarnished!

Now mind you, in 1940 this was considered quite normal behaviour. It was a bit jarring to encounter it in 2023. However – such behaviour, unfortunately, is still very much alive in today’s society. I hate to admit that.

But I still love you Jiminy, though I would never date you!

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Christmas

I love Christmas!

There is a spirit that sweeps up even the most hard hearted. It has nothing to do with what you believe or what religion you are. Joy is universal at this time of year.

I love everything about Christmas. I love all the glitter, the lights, everything sparkling and bright. I love the music. Even the sad music. Especially my squeaky attempts at I’ll Be Home for Christmas on the flute. I even love all of the commercialism because I see how abundant we are, how giving we are, and all the happiness that buying and giving and receiving brings. Our hearts are full at Christmas.

I love all the fruitcake and shortbread. Turkey and cranberry. Chocolates. Yule logs. Yep, I put on some poundage starting as soon as these things arrive in the store.

But of course I speak from a privileged place. I’m not rich, but I am okay.

Yes, I know, not all of us are so fortunate. I cannot make sense of why this is. This world has more than enough of everything for everybody. It is disheartening that our abundance gets bottlenecked by just the few greedy rich. Our whole social system needs an enormous overhaul. If only we could take the spirit of Christmas into our doings all year long and make better decisions. Banish greed and corrupt behaviour and with it, poverty and crime.

I believe joy could win with the right attitude in the right places. At least I found that to be true in my own life.

I am glad every year ends with Christmas. It reminds me of what I am grateful for, and why I want to live forever.

Christmas wipes out all the bad and gives me hope.

May it do the same for you, and everyone.

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Mozart

I indulged myself in several hours of Mozart.

It was the therapy I needed to get me in the right mood for Christmas.

There is something so joyful and playful, and yet soothing about Mozart. It is not heavy stuff, but neither is it fluff.

If only I could play the flute like that! Sounds that are so smooth and sometimes flirty.

I won’t ever get beyond Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but I am amazed I can even play that!

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Suicide is NOT the Answer

Okay, I am going to be tough about this subject. Brutal.

I have in my life been depressed and had suicidal thoughts, but never to the point of planning my own demise.

But I have been the victim of others suicide and I mean, VICTIM. The innocent person who suffered the repercussions of others death wish.

Let me tell any of you that are planning such an act, why it is the most stupid, selfish, uncaring thing to do to others, and, to YOURSELF!

If you think suicide solves any problems, you are wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you think you are a burden to friends and family while you are alive, it ain’t NOTHING compared to when you take your own life. You burden not only all the people who loved and cared for you, but complete strangers. It is like you are pebble thrown into an infinity pond. You sink and are gone, but the ripple effects are wide and far reaching and extremely destructive, and last FOREVER. Forever is a long f’in time for those still living, as in, for the rest of their entire lives.

Not only is your death a shock, it is expensive. You burden your family with unexpected costs of funeral, and other surprise payments, such as paying back any benefits you received after your death, like GST. You may have taken away a much needed source of income and leave your family destitute. There are travel costs. Bills and debts to pay. Even if you have the best laid plans, with an up to date will and power of attorney, there is a hell of a mess to go through. The will has to be probated. Lawyers paid. You would not believe what and who come out of the woodwork after you are gone.

Beyond the financial hell, the lawyers, the funeral directors and a whole host of others you never knew existed, there is the shock, the PTSD to deal with. And deal with it, your friends and family and complete strangers will, EVERY single damn day of their lives. You will break friendships. Your relatives will have to explain your demise over and over. They will try to make sense of what you did. They will blame themselves and others will blame them! And they will never come to terms with it, never find closure. And sometimes, the grief will cause others to take their own lives. What about those who find your body? All the persons who have to clean you up? You cannot unsee those things, ever.

And what if you live and are disabled? Think about that!

The ONLY time I support suicide is if a person is facing a terminal illness with a bleak future in store, or is currently suffering a terminal illness, is in extreme physical pain with no hope of recovery, and because of that has no joy in living. Then I agree with assisted suicide. This gives everyone involved a chance to say goodbye, to get things in order. To have closure. To celebrate a persons life instead of being angry because they were never given any input into the decision.

Taking your own life is giving those around you the bird. It is the big F you. I’m in pain and to hell with the rest of you.

Don’t freeze people out of your life if you are suffering. Suicide is a long term and certainly not the best solution to problems. We are given obstacles to overcome, not to succumb to. It gives us resilience. It makes our lives and those we love so much better when we embrace our troubles and make the most of the hand we are given. Then we are an inspiration.

If you are religious then consider: I have set before you life and death. Choose life.

You think there is nothing to live for? Not your children? Your spouse? Your brother or sister or relatives? Your dog? Your best friend? Your houseplants? Your collections? Your stuff? Your guitar lessons? Cookies?

Take stock of what brings you joy. Imagine how much future you are going to miss by not being there.

There is a great deal of nothing for you after death. You cease to exist. Think about what that means exactly. You never get to experience anything, ever again. Anything. And living is about experiencing things. There is so much to do in this world, in this life!

I know that when you are caught in suicidal thoughts you become very self centered and it is hard to think outside of yourself. BUT YOU MUST. These thoughts WILL pass. Get help. When you are gone it is FOREVER. There is no coming back. There is no nothing for you any more.

Turn your thoughts to something you love and how much you would miss that. My cats always brought me back from bad thoughts. I’ll never pet them again. Hear their purr. Enjoy their funny personalities and quirks. And most terrifying of all – What would happen to them after I am gone?

I’d never get to see a sunset again. Or do gardening. Take a walk. Talk to my friends. Do art. Read. Make noise with my flute!

Look at what brings you life, then live it. Bad things are temporary. Believe me. I have lived through many bad things that I thought would never stop. How could you not want to experience another sunset. Another walk on the beach. Another kiss from your lover. Another new book to read.

Things look bad in the moment but –

My Mother always said, “Things will look different in the morning.”

Words to LIVE by.

Amen to that!

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Slap In The Face

I only have a few words to say about the Freedom Convoy trial.

If these shit disturbers who did a hostile takeover of our capital city do not face any criminal charges for the violence and disruption they caused us law abiding citizens, it is a SLAP in the face to all of us who endured the non-action of police and government at the hand of a few thugs.

No so called protest should be a siege of an entire city and bring everyone to their knees over an issue that was really, in my opinion, a non issue.

There has to be some justice for all those who endured those terrifying weeks. Some justice for the victims of this crime. Some accounting for a police force that aided and abetted a terrorist group. Some question about those businesses that supported the takeover.

Otherwise, it is a disgrace.

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I Done Good

I know someone who brags about all the good she has done. She wears every good deed like another notch in her belt.

She is the first one to jump into a crisis to offer help. She will sacrifice her time and money and energy to help someone in need.

But, it in the end, it is all for her.

I don’t think she realizes it, she is totally unaware of why people sour on her. She never understands why I will never take any offer of help from her, no matter what the situation.

I don’t want to be another notch in her belt.

When you do good, keep it to yourself. Sure, a good deed also makes you feel good. But it is not for bragging rights. It is not about you.